The fire is the end of a relationship, the end of a family that you had clearly never dreamed of ending.
It happened over years not over night. The love for a person slowly becoming that of resentment and non trust. Was I the best wife? Probably not. Was I the worst probably not.. Did I stay to long? Yes, did he stay to long? Yes.
Me being a wifey.
The ring is gone. I needed money for the boys and I, so I marched my happy ass down to a local jewelry and got a few hundred dollars for it. It was worth more I know for sure, but It had no value to me anymore. When it first happened I came to terms that my choice of us not being together any longer was it. No need to feel guilt or question myself of my choices. There was no talking me down or talking me into going back. To be honest the bitch switch was flipped...It was hard to realize I am not a "wife" anymore. I can't say "My husband..." anymore. When I went into a store, I found myself thinking, "Oh he would like that" or "He said he needs one of those" and then the realization would hit-- he is not mine to take care of anymore. He is not someone I need to buy things for any longer. I am "single", a word that made me feel powerful. When it hit me it hit me hard I was free. Like a bird finally getting out of a cage that I had been trapped inside of for years.
My stuff.
The things that belonged to us are now gone. He didn't really want anything but his small amount of control was the fact he had the upper hand with a storage unit that the things that hurt, loosing things like my Christmas things, my grandmothers dishes, the boys things when they were babies. The pain also comes in all of the things that I can never replace. Not that I would want these items now anyway but this is a list of things you held close to you before.. I no longer have photos, old cards, wedding china, or the items that I so wanted to share with the boys one day.. Looking around I realize that I no longer want any of the things that are left from the fire. I was sad but I cried over it. I mourned. I don't need anymore things. I walked away with my boys and that is all I need.
Money and Any Financial Security
A Daily Father
It happened over years not over night. The love for a person slowly becoming that of resentment and non trust. Was I the best wife? Probably not. Was I the worst probably not.. Did I stay to long? Yes, did he stay to long? Yes.
Me being a wifey.
The ring is gone. I needed money for the boys and I, so I marched my happy ass down to a local jewelry and got a few hundred dollars for it. It was worth more I know for sure, but It had no value to me anymore. When it first happened I came to terms that my choice of us not being together any longer was it. No need to feel guilt or question myself of my choices. There was no talking me down or talking me into going back. To be honest the bitch switch was flipped...It was hard to realize I am not a "wife" anymore. I can't say "My husband..." anymore. When I went into a store, I found myself thinking, "Oh he would like that" or "He said he needs one of those" and then the realization would hit-- he is not mine to take care of anymore. He is not someone I need to buy things for any longer. I am "single", a word that made me feel powerful. When it hit me it hit me hard I was free. Like a bird finally getting out of a cage that I had been trapped inside of for years.
My stuff.
The things that belonged to us are now gone. He didn't really want anything but his small amount of control was the fact he had the upper hand with a storage unit that the things that hurt, loosing things like my Christmas things, my grandmothers dishes, the boys things when they were babies. The pain also comes in all of the things that I can never replace. Not that I would want these items now anyway but this is a list of things you held close to you before.. I no longer have photos, old cards, wedding china, or the items that I so wanted to share with the boys one day.. Looking around I realize that I no longer want any of the things that are left from the fire. I was sad but I cried over it. I mourned. I don't need anymore things. I walked away with my boys and that is all I need.
Money and Any Financial Security
I am now living on whatever amount he chooses to give me, whenever he chooses to give it to me. We were always a family who lived paycheck-to-paycheck, but now I can't even afford gas and groceries. Trying to find a job when the boys are 100% taken care of by me and go to school for two hours 4 days a week. and I the struggle to mess up a routine with a special needs child. The support will come someday and I will have help to set us up way better then the three of us have ever been in our lives.
A Daily Father
There is no longer the "good cop" to my "bad cop", or vice versa. There is no one there to vent to or ask advice from or get feedback from. All decisions are now mine and mine alone, right or wrong, and they are now scrutinized and criticized instead. Hoping that I am not 100% fucking my kids up. I'm sure that I do something they will need therapy for one day. So no collage savings for these two, nope I will be paying for their 10 years of therapy that they will need for having me be there mom.
Or when they are 40 I will look at their lives and what they have done with them and think hey mama you did okay, you did good. They are great boys that grew into men. Their lives aren't perfect but they are perfect to you... I now watch football and pay attention to sports stuff. I also have nightly dance parties, pancakes for dinner and Sing to the boys like I am putting on a concert. Will they ever doubt my love....NEVER.
The future you had planned on.
You know the plans of family vacations we wont ever take together now. The Christmas mornings that we were looking forward to being excited together for. The talks of our life when the boys lived in the NICU. The dreams now nothing but faded hopes and unrealistic expectations that I should have known wouldn't be happening. When the boys end their careers of their high school and collage years, All of us there he will be on his side of the stadium and my family and I on the other. The weddings, with the stiff uncomfortableness with being in the photos that show us a happy family for two minutes. That the two of us ended when the boys were not even four years old. Memories we should look forward to, now make a knot in my stomach.
Trust.
When you can't trust the person you were married to, and you can't trust your own instincts, it is a confusing time. When people come out of the wood work to tell you things like the "Friend" he had for 8 months that truly thought he was leaving me for...Friends that knew long ago but didn't tell you, it makes you question everything and everyone. The counselor that I have seen saved my life. For a year and she and I went through all the things that hurt, opened those doors got the dust out and threw the skeletons in the fire. All the while making me stronger every day. Breathing air into the real girl inside me back to life. I would never be hurt again by him. I will feel no guilt.
Thanks for reading... there will be more to this series as I continue my new path.........
Post a Comment