The butterfly stroke.

 I feel like I am on the high dive board at the swimming pool. I have the nervousness in my stomach, ready to just not think and just jump right in. I can see the people I love and want in my life watching me from the bleachers at the top of the pool cheering me on and screaming for me in excitement.  I can see the people I no longer have or want in my life watching from the bottom waiting for me to fall and not make it but do a giant belly flop so bad it stings for days and knocks your breathe away for what would feel like a life time.

In my mind I know this pool so well... because in real life this is the same pool I got my first lessons to swim in, the place I was in the swim team, the place I now take my little guys to learn to swim. My life feels like the butterfly stroke that I once perfected. This is a perfect definition of my life. The butterfly stroke has three major parts, the pull, the push, and the recovery. 

I feel The Pull of my life that is going in so many different directions, always pulling me to this and that.. Pulling me to be a mom, trying to take time for me, but noticing that without a partner at home it is hard to get that time without going broke on sitters and nanny's. The realization that you have no one else to lean on but yourself.  The pull of going to work and finding a job that you thought you would hit out of the park only to find out you are not what they are looking for. Realizing that you have no real education and the idea of school is great but I can't figure out how to have a job that can pay the bills, juggle the kids and add school on top of it.  The Pull of getting my shit together is tough. The Pull to do better in this next chapter of life.

 The Push: The Push to show my boys that I am strong that I will make everything we need and want come true.  The Push to not let anything or anyone ever hurt me again. The Push to allow my heart to be trusted in other peoples hands.  The idea of being in control 100% of my own life, to make my own mind up and every choice that I make is all mine.  The Push to get over the past and forget it and move on.  The Push to no longer give two shits what other people think of me and my choices. The new me is okay with Pushing back. Pushing to have a better life. Pushing for not just myself but for the three of us.

The Recovery: This is a long process. One I am sure will take years of going to talk to someone other aspects of my life. Every week when I sit on the couch and spill my guts with things I don't even want myself to know..... The Recovery is to try things daily that make me nervous, that are not even close to be  in my comfort zone. Some days I rock it...other days I don't   Making myself feel that raw and emotional part of my life that for years I didn't allow myself to feel. The Recovery I look forward to love again. The kind that we both just fall in love so easy its effortless. That real love that my parents have and my Dad's parents. That. Love.  I know I never loved like that and this time it will be true and forever. Married to my best friend. Or hell living in sin is cool.  For reals I just want to throw a party and celebrate. Because the next time I walk down that Aisle I wont just be finishing my fairytale, but I will have 100% Recovered.

I am no longer afraid of monsters because I once knew one.

So I may not have it all together yet but I am starting to. Starting  to feel like I am almost able to make it to the end of the pool to gasp the air and breathe. 

Thanks for reading my post!